Say it with glowers

Valentine's Day romantics planning to say it with flowers are being urged to buy roses from Kenya to help the troubled country.

Hmm, we'll skate briefly over that phrase Valentine's Day romantics, shall we? What is so romantic of making a gesture of love on a day when if you don't make at least a token effort (perhaps grabbing some flowers on the way home) you'll be out on your ear? The obvious argument is that the whole thing is just a scam to exploit people's emotional vulnerabilities. (The popularity of anti-Valentine's events and gifts and Valentine's singles parties might support that idea. Especially if you consider the motivations of a fellow who might go to an event in which you know there will be a lot of lovelorn, susceptible women.)

But the problem with this is that it isn't nearly cynical enough. If the reference above to someone leaving their gesture of love to a last minute, panic purchase sparked any image in your mind, it was probably that of a man. More specifically, a fairly standard, hapless type of everyman. The thing is, a large proportion of men aren't terribly good at making the sort of gestures of love that women require.

In other words, the great value of Valentine's Day to the male of the species is that there is an acceptable minimum standard of behaviour for him: he can get flowers, chocolates and a card (or something like that) secure in the knowledge that this is way to say, at least, "Sorry I'm not very good at all this but, er, I do like you really" except knowing that a decent quality, well-chosen gift will say it more articulately. Similarly, for the women, at least she'll know that this is what he is trying to say if he manages to perform this fairly simple task. And if he can't manage to do what everyone can, well she'll know exactly where she stands.

Anway, if you want my advice on these matters (and why on earth wouldn't you?) You can do far better than Kenyan Roses as a romantic gift. Specifically, a Kenyan holiday. For one thing, they'll be really glad to see you - tourist numbers have fallen through the floor since the latest trouble there - so you'll be helping people in their hour of need. Secondly, the fact that the tourist industry has collapsed means a holiday there will be really cheap (probably best keep that bit quiet, however).

Finally, people are staying away because they're worried about further unrest. More specifically, they're worried that they might be caught up in it (intercommunal slaughter can really put a damper on your holiday too). However, should this happen to you, fear not. Studies have shown that a sharing moments of danger is one of the surest ways to create a bond between a couple. In other words, should your romantic getaway end with the pair of you being helicoptered out of a besieged compound as a machete-wielding mob surrounds the place, you can guarantee it will create a far stronger, more intense fellow feeling between you and your loved one than sitting through Ti-bloody-tanic tonight will.

PS: The other good advice is: keep a sense of proportion. If you find yourself asking Is it okay to date your dog on Valentine's Day? you probably are taking it all a bit too seriously.)