Thursday, March 27, 2008

Fantasy Worlds

While typing out the previous post, the thought started to dawn on me that the smart thing to do would be to a devise a series of computer games which would appease today's moralisers. I'd need someone to do all the geek stuff, of course, but I reckon this little collection has something for everyone and, as such, is a sure fire winner.

Guardian Reader Commando: armed only with a copy of the liberal-left broadsheet and impeccable ideals, your character is sent on a series of missions in the most deprived parts of the city to see if you can save the underclass from themselves. Enter an inner city comprehensive and single-handedly inspire your charges with a love of Shakespeare and transform them from feral thugs into the people who write poems empathising with the plight of children in the Gaza strip. Win points for luring poor people away from the BNP by giving them tea and some kind words; for not running away when you meet a gang of black youths late at night; score a bonus for taking children into care if their parents insist on smoking inside the house and watching too much daytime TV; fight off the evil chip shops, kebab vans and cheap cigarette sellers who are exploiting the people of the area.

Richard Littlejohn's Extreme Taxi Driver: you are a taxi driver and your mission to get the Daily Mail's voice of common sense to a TV studio to castigate political correctness gone mad. Your path is beset with dangers including speed cameras, asylum seekers, and feral chavs. What do you do when a single mother pushing a pram steps out into your path? Will you be able to get Richard there in time, or will the gays get you? Lose points for every occasion your passenger is forced to utter the phrase 'You Couldn't Make It Up'.

Jihadi Training Camp: this unique interactive religious learning experience offers you to play a number of parts including a young warrior for Allah sent on the ultimate mission; a charity worker who must find a way to get vital humanitarian supplies of arms, rockets and high explosives to the muhjadeen in Afghanistan (just watch out you don't get caught by the evil Americans, will you be able to convince them you are there for religious study?); and a preacher who must turn a group of disaffected youngsters into a crack squad who have learned the Koran by heart and are now ready to die for Allah. Just make sure you convince the visiting BBC camera crew you're no threat to anyone. Comes complete with interactive fatwahs and map of public transport systems in 10 major cities.

[NB: even reading about the above game is an offence under the Terrorism Act. Please turn yourselves if you have read it.]

Victorian Patriarch: (a much healthier game than Miss Bimbo) protect your wife and daughters from unhealthy influences. Win points for shielding their eyes from unhealthy literature, for keeping their minds unsullied by dangerous political ideas (and for soundly whipping any harlots you may encounter). Knock up the parlour maid, but just make sure you don't get caught.

On The Tiles With Patricia Hewitt: learn to enjoy alcohol moderately and responsibly while celebrating the former health secretary's many achievements.

And this last is a harmless fantasy which will appeal to many hacks.

Fleet Street Classic: get pissed, get in a fight with the news editor, go and have a three-hour lunch with a contact. See how creative you can be with your expenses. Go off to see your bit on the side when you're meant to be following a story. Fight off the unreasonable demands of owners, the advertising department and the dreaded members of the public. Just make sure you get back into the newsroom on time to file 600 words on the shocking standards of modern behaviour.

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Blogger Quink said...

Add Stoke Newington Mother for a truly terrifying pixelated fantasy.

3:56 pm  
Blogger bill said...

Or Stoke Newington MILF for an equally disturbing fantasy.

3:57 pm  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Very witty, Bill.

I like the sound of Victorian Patriarch - can you get it on the Wii? All that whipping would provide an excellent workout.


11:20 am  
Blogger bill said...

An excellent idea, Puss. The Gladstonian-minded could also scourge themselves for having impure thoughts about said harlots.

As Disraeli nearly said: "When you're out saving fallen women, save one for Wii".

12:42 pm  

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