Brown pledges porn for all

Gordon Brown will today attempt to launch his political fightback by pledging to ensure equal access to internet pornography for all teenage boys in the country.

"For too long there has been a wanking gap in this country," the Prime Minister will tell the Labour conference in Manchester. "Whereas public school boys like George Osborne and David Cameron have been able to download hot girl-on-girl videos in the privacy of their studies in Eton, millions of teenagers on council estates have had to make do with a third hand copy of Razzle of which half the pages are stuck together or a five-second clip of their mate's girlfriend showing her breasts at a party only you can't really see them properly on a mobile phone.

"My plan for equality of opportunity in porn will lead to an equality of outcome by 2020. It will help all Britons, no matter what their background, to get on with the job."

The Prime Minister's plan to hand out various sums of cash to allow poorer families who manage to fill out six different sets of forms on condition they "spent it all on the internet" is the centrepiece of his fightback plan as polls show that 60% of Britons now believe that if you dug up Ramsay MacDonald's corpse and stuck the remains in a heap in the corner it would do a better job of leading the country than Mr Brown.

"There were some who urged me to follow a cheaper, simpler policy of encouraging more local authorities to offer free wifi access and to find ways of giving families access to cheap computer equipment - but who would want to surf the web for smut in a public place or on a cheap internet connection?" his speech will say. "There were some who pointed out that it wouldn't be much more expensive just to give everyone a computer whether or not they needed it, but most voters trust Labour will find a way of adding layers of labyrinthine and expensive bureaucracy to our internet access scheme, and that is what we intend to do."

The Government hopes that the Prime Minister's internet plan will also make it easier poorer families to spend millions of pounds they do not have buying DVDs, CDs, holidays and bits of junk off eBay in a bid to revive a faltering economy. Commentators are already comparing the plan to John Major's famous cones hotline initiative. "That was the last time a struggling prime minister really came out and announced a plan that just made your jaw drop and stunned his critics into silence," explained political commentator Francis Dashwood.

The Prime Minister is also set to announce a range of other key policy measures on the economy and foreign affairs in his speech. They include:

• A joint strategy agreed with Foreign Secretary David Miliband that Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, the Middle East, Pakistan, Africa, the EU and Russia are all issues that can wait a couple of years until we've sorted out this leadership thing.
  
  
• The claim that "since I am the man who sat back at watched it all happen", Mr Brown is uniquely well placed to tackle the worldwide financial meltdown and economic downturn.
  
  
• A pledge that tomorrow when he flies to New York, Mr Brown will urge other world leaders to adopt his strategy of working 18 hours a day sending emails to people telling them they must do something to sort out this economic mess.
  
  
• A £20m recycling enforcement officers for Africa scheme, under which many of the world's poorest countries will be given help in training officials to develop ways of ensuring their citizens do not put out inappropriate materials with the rubbish.

Insiders were today predicting that Mr Brown's speech could break all sorts of records. "He'll probably get a longer ovation that Iain Duncan Smith did for his Quiet Man speech," said one Labour insider.