The ultimate means of transport

Cars are so passé these days, aren't they? Instead, I give you The Dog-Powered Scooter. I can't tell if this is for real, but let me propose a few adaptations.

The Toddler-Powered Scooter: this would be a godsend for frazzled parents. All that running about and screaming would be directed in a positive direction. Why, one could even hail the little darlings in the manner of those rickshaws one finds in Soho. Plus, I needly hardly add, it is a an excellent way to cut back on the number of fat kids one encounters.

In fact, the infants would be more or less interchangeable with the dog. So far as I can tell the method of rearing them (a mixture of bribery and threats) is pretty much identical.

However, I can think of one better way of travelling.

The Harlot-Powered Chariot: Yet again, I must call on the wisdom of the ancient Greeks. In this case that of the sadly under-rated philosopher Diogenes the Renegade who devoted himself to a life of pleasure. One story told about him is that he hired a group of women of pleasure to pull his chariot through the agora. This, I think, is such a fine idea that we should overlook the small fact that Diogenes may or may not have been totally made up. It certainly sounds like more fun than first class air travel. Provided, of course, the correct mode of dress is observed.