Sunday, December 02, 2007

We all have a cross to bear

This message is brought to you my our sponsors Goys R Us, purveyors of the finest religiously conscious children's toys.

With Christmas fast approaching, why not give a child the most precious gift of all? One that teaches them the true values of the season – that all belief systems are of equal value so long as they can be commercially exploited. Thanks to our range of Prayer Bears you can find the perfect gift to indoctrinate your children with your preferred type of faith. Products on sale include:

Our Saviour Bear: Worried your little one's toys will be going to hell? Fear not, thanks to the Our Saviour Bear who will expiate all the other bears' sins through suffering. Comes with added cross, nails and crown of thorns so you can teach the enduring message that God is love. Will bleed on the right-hand side.

Buddha Bear: this fat and jolly soul will sit there serenely. When he wears out, why not reincarnate him by buying a replacement?

Kosher Bear: this cheeky little fellow includes a male member with detachable foreskin and blunt knife so you can have hours of fun ritually welcoming him into the tribe.

Hindu Bear: with dozens of detachable limbs as well as a choice of bear, elephant and monkey heads, you can be make a bewildering range of deities from this little fellow.

Scientologist Bear: unfortunately, you'll have to pay £1000 before we can tell you about this bear.

Jihadi Bear: a particular favourite, the Jihadi Bear (pictures sadly unavailable) comes armed with the unimpeachable word of the Almighty (for £30 extra why not buy our Archangel Jibril Bear to deliver the message?) and a sword to deal with any critics. Satisfaction guaranteed: once you've brought this bear into your life, you will never find any grounds to criticise it. (Please note that this product cannot be imported to the United States.)

Unbeliever Bear: Comes with miniture copy of the works of Richark Dawkins and when you press his paws he'll make annoying sneering sounds. Comes with lake of fire into which the unbeliever can be cast for all eternity. (See also our range of teddy stakes and stones which can be used to punish heretical or adulterous bears.)

All Prayer Bears are made in Communist China in Falan Gong re-education camps. Prices start at just £66.66 plus postage and packaging. Email for contact details.

UPDATE: It seems that Kosher Bear, at least, is not wholly original. Not when you can buy a Mohel toy for your child or dog.

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10 Comments:

Blogger Quink said...

Not to mention a set of Zoroastrian bear bones, picked free of flesh and fur by the vultures and bleached by the sun.

12:21 am  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Is there a Sikh bear, whose beard you can trim? With different coloured turbans? And bracelet?

There's nothing like a bear you can dress up.

Puss

11:42 am  
Blogger Political Umpire said...

I think it's only fair to warn prospective buyers that you can't put Hindu bear on the shelf with the lower caste toys. Nor Jihadi bear next to Gay bear - or there will be quite literally Hell to pay.

For my children I will be buying Brian bear, with whom I have become besotted even though, some would have it, he wasn't intended as a bear at all but just a normal cuddly toy. If you squeeze him a voice says "I'm not the bloody bear".

11:44 am  
Blogger Jane Henry said...

Fabulous. Humour more humour. That's what the world needs. Particularly the scary parts where they like to stone people for innocent mistakes...

How about a virgin mary bear holding the baby jesus? Complete with her own little phial of holy water from Lourdes?

1:09 pm  
Blogger bill said...

These are all good suggestions and I have no doubt that the marketing department will take them on board in due course.

I am reliably informed that there was a Sikh bear planned, but there was some health and safety problems with the authentic and sharp dagger which MUST be sold with every bear.

7:17 pm  
Blogger Jane Henry said...

Do you think if they hid the dagger in the bear's turban anyone would notice???

8:18 pm  
Blogger Political Umpire said...

Acting on my suggestion, Bill did indeed put Brian Bear on the shelves, but it caused a lot of confusion. Apparently a lot of people thought they were buying Our Saviour Bear, to whom he bears some resemblance. I am sorry if anyone was distressed by this.

10:15 am  
Blogger bill said...

I'm afraid the consensus was: he's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty bear.

6:30 pm  
Blogger Quink said...

Can't you get the Sikh bear to reincarnate himself as a book? Then you can tuck him safely up in bed each night.

11:32 pm  
Blogger Political Umpire said...

I say he is the Messiah, and I should know, I've followed a few.

Mine's Brian bear, and so's that of my wife.

11:19 am  

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