Westminster Village people

I was starting to wonder what cosmic joke had ensured that virtually every thing I see in the news today could be added to a compendium of human idiocy. So well done to Harriet Harman for her clever and well-executed stunt of wearing a stab proof vest to tour her constituency.

The Evening Standard quotes her as saying:

"I was going out with my neighbourhood police team. Just as I might wear a hard hat on a building site or an Indian outfit going to meet Indian constituents, it's just about wearing the kit."



Cowboy outfit next? Presumably the leather jacket and cap will be stored up for Peckham gay pride.

Oh dear II

Further to the previous on Pakistan's fucked up-ness, one phrase strikes dread into the heart.

19-year-old Oxford undergraduate. There is no creature on earth more cocksure, jumped up and more in need of a horse-whipping.

Still, the young fellow in question may be an exception. What's his character like?

"Described by friends as studious and devoted to his mother".

Best not put that on the campaign literature, I think.

Oh dear

"Long live Bhutto," Benazir Bhutto shouted, waving to the crowd surging around her car. They were her last words before three gunshots rang out and she slumped back on to her seat.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's almost up there with General John Sedgwick whose last recorded words were: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

There is a deep and very mordant irony about the fact that a corrupt, incompetent, feudal autocrat with a ropey human rights record was the best hope for Pakistan. But it's not funny, exactly.

Still, the awards for scariest country and most fucked up country of 2007 go to...

And people make fun of Belgian politics

This deserves a wider audience. (Thank you to my man in - in spirit - Kyiv). Yulia Tymoshenko and her acolytes attend the opening of parliament in matching outfits which, I like to think, were inspired by Liverpool's 1996 FA Cup Final outfits.

There's something about the body language – to say nothing of the pissed-off, sour-faced demeanours – of the drones standing beneath Yulia's queen bee, that unsettles me, however. They look as if they're in the dock while receiving a heavy sentence for something pretty unsavoury. I doubt this is an appropriate image for Ukrainian politics, especially not for Yanukovych and co, but it is unfortunate none the less.

The fellow in the centre of the picture also has an unfortunate resemblance to Hugo Chavez.

Fans of modest, self-effacing politicians can find more of this sort of thing here.

I know sex offenders usually get a hard time in prison, but not for this, surely?

It's natural enough to laugh at the story of the man who was convicted of having sex with a bicycle. What's not to laugh at, apart from the fact that he was doing it in private and was only caught when two cleaners unlocked the door and walked in to his hotel room.

Oh and the fact that he's been put on the sex offenders register for it. How does that work, in any case: is he banned from going within 200 metres of any bicycle shop? Could he be arrested for hanging round railway stations and colleges or any other place where there a likely to be a lot of bicycles? Is this a really poor use of the legal system and an idiotic misuse of a register designed to protect the public from genuinely dangerous people? Or is there some aspect to this case we're missing? (But just think, William, what if it was your bicycle, how would you feel then?)

So many questions. I'll leave it to finer minds than mine to ponder the last. How did he do it?

Harvard mathematician to blame for juvenile depravity

Keep a short look at him, for that's the scoundrel, there. At least according to the writer of this letter to the Irish Examiner.

YOUR report headlined ‘Gang feeds cats to killer dogs’ (October 16) is a serious indication of how low we have gone in this country.

The behaviour of those youngsters in Cobh, Co Cork, who threw cats to dogs to be savaged alive, was nothing less than sadistic.

Yes, but clearly it's enough to argue that kids are predisposed to be little shits. Someone else must be to blame. But who? Society? Capitalism? The Catholic Church? British colonial rule?

Nope. Tom Lehrer.

Soon after I read Séan O’Riordan’s report about the appalling treatment of the cats, I became aware of the inclusion of a so-called poem entitled ‘Poisoning Pigeons in The Park’ in the English curriculum for secondary schools.

Oh, that Tom Lehrer. It might seem like witty, musically adept satire to you. But to the kids on the streets its deadly serious stuff.

Children are being corrupted by such material and there is no doubt that what is being taught in the classrooms is now being acted out on the streets.

I'm just surprised, and not a little disappointed that this moral crusader did not, in the interests of the children point out that, contrary to Mr Lehrer's assertions that it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon, Hinduism takes a very dim view of that sort of thing.

I just hope that no one ever tells Michael Sheehan of Ballyarra, Co Cork about Leherer's National Brotherhood Week. "Oh the black folk, hate the white folk." God only knows what it would do to race relations in Ireland.

Language and its meaning II

Plenty of political stories will refer to a rough division in Gordon Brown's cabinet between the 'grey beards' and 'young Turks'. It's pretty obvious what this means, isn't it? – why, here's the youthful chief secretary to the treasury making this very point.

It's just that the phrase doesn't just mean what he seems to think it means. If I were a member of the cabinet (and you just don't know what you're missing out on) I'd be a tad wary about comparing myself to the perpetrators of the first genocide of the 20th century.

Speechless

Luxury lederhosen.

Wohlmuther, who works with a local jeweler in the Styrian town of Liezen, said his first pair of luxury lederhosen — decorated with 166 diamonds — went to a German buyer who lives in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, earlier this summer. He said he hopes to attract more interest from that region, as well as from Russia.

In München steht ein Hofblinghaus, ein, zwei, g'suffa...

(A German of my acquaintance once translated g'suffa as "up your bottom", I don't think that's quite what he meant. But you can take your oompah and shove it....)

Sometimes its better not to say anything

A something-warming story this: a parish councillor from Cheshire has married one of Osama bin Laden's sons.

Plenty about the rather unfortunate family background. Including this, from Jane Felix-Browne.

The grandmother, who declined to take her husband's surname, says she does not care about his family background, stating she married for love.

Okay, well maybe she does care enough not to adopt the bin Laden name.

But there's something else which may explain why. If you're hung up on the fellow's unfortunate parentage you might have missed the fact that

Omar... is her sixth husband.

Uh huh.

[The 51-year-old] from Moulton, near Northwich, married Omar Osama Bin Laden, 27, after romance blossomed during a holiday in Egypt.

Now that is how you avoid becoming a stereotype. Good luck to her. I think she might need it.

PS: It would be remiss of me not to add a favourite anecdote about one of Osama bin Laden snr's many brothers. This poor fellow lived in New York and was lamenting how his life had changed since 9/11. He could no longer his credit card or call for a takeaway pizza. You could probably live with that, especially since I think his name was spelled slightly differently - bin Ladin?. But the truly heart-rending detail was, and I paraphrase slightly, "I've also had to give up my hobby of flying small light aircraft."

UPDATE: The woman is clearly an idiot. The Telegraph, which gives the story the slant I'm after, quotes her as saying: She said it would be "nice" to meet Osama bin Laden, the head of al-Qa'eda, to ask him about the 2001 terrorist attacks. "I think it would be very interesting to find out if he really did it or not. That would be the question because I think it is a doubt on everybody's mind." No, it's a doubt for creeps and credulous conspiracy cretins.

Last with the news

Much scratching of heads at the puzzlement some have expressed that a bunch of medics might have been plotting mass murder in London and Glasgow.

I can't say I'm particularly surprised. Dealing with members of the public – especially the sort who demands drugs for the most trifling complaint or, rather than trusting your years of training and experience, demands you confirm a self-diagnosis made thanks to drivel found on the internet – could make anyone fly into a murderous rage. (Or at least become like the doctor so splendidly played by Hugh Laurie in House).

What troubles me is the stupidity and ineptitude of those who carried out the attacks. If it emerges that the scientific genius who was incapable of determining out the width of the doors at Glasgow airport and picking a vehicle which would pass through them – to say nothing of the fellow who couldn't even accomplish a simple task like burning oneself to death (something which hundreds of cigarette smoking drunks can do in their sleep) – then there are some very serious questions to be asked. I would not want such people operating on me. If there were carrying out a hip replacement, say, would they just pick any old hip and try and jam it in? And brain surgery? Not good.

There's the deeper stupidity too, particularly the ideology.

This bloke came up to me and said 'You Tory'

Nothing befits a career in politics or teaching quite like the sort of hyper-sensitivity that sees one getting all upset and wildly reacting to a bit of criticism. So it is with Lib Dem councillor, deputy head teacher and blogger Neil Woollcott, who implies that a spot of online mockery is the first sign of a concerted Tory campaign to "get" this ever-so important political commentator.

It is, of course, one of the glories of the internet that people who have never met can now fall out and hurl abuse at each other from a distance. And so it is with one of the "Tories" Woollcott objects to – my real life friend Locker, who does not take kindly to being called a Tory simply for commenting on a blog written by a member of the Conservative Party.

I'll be getting the popcorn in and chanting "fight, fight, fight" from the sidelines in the hope this develops. This, incidentally, was the evil Tory post which started the trouble, in which Graeme Archer mocks the good councillor's writing skills. However, he overlooks the most remarkable comment from this latter day Mill: the passion they spoke with made me wonder whether children are naturally Lib Dem.

It's an interesting question, but it might be easier to answer if I rephrased it slightly.

Are children naturally prone to being self-righteous tossers whose ill thought-out ideas can be safely ignored?

Me, sir, please sir. I know the answer.

Reaching out

... healing the wounds. Gordon Brown promises all that sort of stuff; he'd a damned fool if he didn't.

Gordon Brown set a blistering pace in his first full day as prime minister by totally recasting his cabinet and announcing that the new team will meet today in a special session to discuss his plans to restore trust in politics lost during the last decade.

But before passing judgement on his sincerity or otherwise let's see how he's going to do it. Constitutional reform is one way - with a minister given responsibility for "ending political disconnection" - Jack Straw.

Jack bleeding Straw. For all those disconnected by concerns about the war in Iraq, ties to the US, Muslims feeling singled out for hostile treatment and those worried about sleazy opportunistic politics it's the equivalent of a grunted "have a nice day" from a surly teenager who's just blown his nose on the rancid burger you have, idiotically, just purchased from a well-known chain; equal to a one-night stand getting a taxi home at 3am because of work tomorrow; the offer of your old job for less money - a giant "fuck you" made all the more insulting because of the thread-bare courtesy. (There are also some, erm, interesting rumours which a bit of Googling might lead you to: not gonna take the risk of linking to them directly).

I suppose what with having such giant intellects, Brown and co might well have reached a conclusion that the public are deeply stupid (a look at TV does tend to support that case). But what of all those fierce and principled critics of the war in Iraq - a conflict which Brown passionately supported - who have signed up to the Brown administration. Are they letting bygones by bygones in a bid to sort out the problems we now face, deluding themselves, deeply stupid, or just hypocrites? They're politicians, mostof them, so you might tend towards the more negative conclusions. At least until that nice Mr Straw makes you feel loved and wanted again.

Muslim world an homogenous mass of seething lunatics

You'll realise, I hope, the irony implicit in that headline. But I add that caveat because so much reporting about 'offended Muslims' seems to work on this assumption.

Yes, I'm afraid it's more Rushdie bollocks. In this case the Beeb reports on a "Day of Pakistan Rushdie protests". So, you think, on reading the headline, tens of thousands of people who probably haven't read the book are going crazy and demanding the blood of the western infidel.

Erm.. Around 300 people in Islamabad chanted "Damn Rushdie" [I do love sub-continent English] and "Down with Britain".

Careful now. But, still, it's the capital. It's a relatively cosmopolitan place. I bet more people turned out in Karachi where all the crazies live.

Yeah: They have held small-scale demonstrations in the southern port of Karachi (pop: 15 million or so).

How small? Doesn't say, but I would be willing to bet more people turned out to complain about the cricket team.

Now, I'm of the view that a demo in Britain should be pretty bloody big before it gets any attention. So why should the Beeb cover the anger of a tiny proportion of Pakistanis (oh and a few attention seeking local politicians whom I will not dignify by quoting here) unless it assumes they are speaking for a silent majority of deranged fanatics?

>>>This is a public service announcement from the Department of Patronising Liberalism: Muslims are so irrational you must do nothing to suggest they are irrational because they will kill you if you do.

Oh no, someone said something I don't like

I demand redress from the appropriate authorities. Here's a BBC thing about the latest Big Brother 'controversy' (which really I don't care about, but I was interested in their policy on bad words - a bit geeky, I suppose, but still...). The first frigging comment includes the phrase 'political correctness gone mad'.

Now, and I am going to swear properly here, I fucking hate that fucking phrase. Yes, there certainly are instances of it happening (remember that guy in the US who got in to trouble for using the word 'niggardly'?) but the phrase itself has become a substitute for thought, the last refuge of the brain-dead, unthinking moron and form of whining arse-holery that allows you to shoot down anything that questions your own little ratty prejudices.

Yes, I really do not like it. For now my policy is: p******** c********** g*** m**. I might throw this one out to all my caucasians and see if you have any other offensive bits of wankerishness you'd like banned.

Not very bright former royal 'ideal to solve Nothern Ireland problem'

Yeah, good luck with that.

Brown provides details of Diana's detachment from reality, such as telling Brown over a lunch that she thought she could solve the conflict in Northern Ireland.

What's really alarming, though, is that some genius once decided the ideal man to solve the troubles was that world famous diplomat Prince Philip.

Down with this sort of thing

To be clear, the Bible is not obscene. Sure there's all that sex and violence, and incest and other unpleasant things. But it's not as if Bible bashers pick and choose, now is it?

Man bites dog

Sometimes, just sometimes, what you think - hope, even - would be a statement of the bleeding obvious is actually newsworthy. In this case Irish Independent reports a curious defence from a clerical child abuse trial.

Priest 'more interested in betting than child'

A PRIEST accused of helping his friend to sexually abuse a young girl was more interested in gambling than children, a court heard yesterday.

It's a truly strange, and disturbing, case. One BBC report includes a suggestion the priest was having a sexual relationship with the man accused of carrying out the abuse.

PS: Nice to the see the Indo has finally joined the 21st century with its website. During my time at the Irish Examiner any suggestion that the website might possibly be a wee bit archaic fell on deaf ears. (Okay, it wasn't my responsibility, but I did make my views known.) Could someone there please take the hint now?